Testing one, two, three...and for a change not me

We are now in the testing phase. Dawn, her husband Ron, and my husband Matthew all have to be run through a battery of tests and exams to make sure they are all healthy.

We will all meet with the same therapist that cleared us for egg donation last year.

Once all that has been completed we move on to...more testing! The same sorts of testing I have completed each cycle including saline sonogram, ultrasounds, and mock transfer.

Once all that is done, we move on to medications. If all goes well Dawn will start her medications in January and plan to transfer at the end of January.

By the way, we have to squeeze Christmas in here with all the other festivities. It will be a busy couple of months!

Same blog, same characters, different tagline.....

Welcome to the new chapter in our ongoing saga. When we last left our heroine she had just failed her latest pregnancy test. It was then that she called her sister and asked, "Do you still want to be my babies Momma?" Without missing a beat, she said yes.

So...we are off again! In case the last post was not a good clue, we are planning the transfer for the end of January.

If you thought egg donation was complicated, wait until you hear about surrogacy!

Calculating due date with assisted fertility

When planning a fertility cycle, everyone wants to know one thing...when will the baby be due?

Well with assisted fertility this is no easy question. However, you can find the answer by doing what I did...Google it.

http://www.ivf-infertility.com/calc_preg.php
is a great little calculator to find the answer to this very question.

So for example: if you transferred 5 day embryos (blasts) on January 30, 2009, then you would be due on October 18, 2009. Pretty nifty huh?

It is official

We are not pregnant. I guess we have some healing and thinking to do.

Theresa

Tears and yet more injections

Still nothing on home pregnancy test...it should be positive by now if it is going to be, so I am losing hope. Last night was really hard, I cried the entire time Matthew was giving me my shot, the pain in my heart is killing me.

Why does this have to hurt so much. Blood pregnancy test is Friday.

frowns and looks at test

I can't believe it still says

Not Pregnant

Blood test is Friday. Perhaps we will just have to wait until then to know for sure.

HPT negative this am

If it is negative, then I want the nausea to go away!

Boo, anyway try again tomorrow.

For all the family and friends who do not understand this obsession with pee on sticks I offer the following from a fellow cycler. Keep in mind this is a quote from someone else not me.....I have not yet had a positive test.

"My transfer was monday and I started on friday, I know it was too
early and would get a neg but i did it anyway. 2 days and 13 tests
later I finally tested positive last night. My beta is wed"

Theresa

Hooray I threw up tonight!

Ok, maybe not an occasion you want to run out and buy a cake for, but I am happy!

Not yet positive

This morning I did a home pregnancy test and it was not yet positive. We are 4 days past 5 day transfer. Our last pregnancy was positive at 5 days past 5 day transfer, so we will see what tomorrow holds for us. Many people to not test positive until 7 days past 5 day transfer. On our first transfer we never got a positive home pregnancy test and still had a positive blood test.

For those of you not in the fertility game, 9 days past 5 day transfer is the day your period should be due. We still have many days to test between now. We will keep you posted.

Here is an amusing exchange. My husband wrote an email updating his family after the transfer. Here is part of the email and the response from my not so subtle sister-in-law whom I love to pieces.

Husband: By the way, the IVF transfer went very smoothly yesterday, more smoothly than the others had, giving us a very good feeling. Unfortunately someone rear-ended us on the way there when traffic slowed abruptly on 880, but the damage is very modest and no one was hurt. Theresa is now enjoying her rest. We will know more officially when we do the blood test on 11/14, but Theresa might do home pregnancy tests before then.

Sister-in-law: Theresa "might" do some tests before them? Might?
Either she's had a major conversion or you are the king of understatement!
Which is it?:)

Talk about feeling "antique"

Today we went out for a bit to a nearby area called Niles, that has many quaint little antique shops. As we were shopping I had some rather intense cramping and I broke out in a terrible sweat. I asked my husband if it was hot in the shop, and the lady behind the counter said, "I think it is hot, but I am usually hot" and made that knowing look like it must be menopause. Well I can't tell you how old this made me feel. I am now a member of the perimenopausal and postmenopausal club of woman who suffer with hot flashes.

On the upside, I am being treated like a princess at home. My husband is very attentive and supportive. I guess even a princess has to endure a little nausea and a few hot flashes now and then.

Home pregnancy tests are usually not accurate this early. The earliest I have heard of positives is 9 days post retrieval and that was with twins. I tested positive at 10 days post retrieval during our cycle in July this year. Since we transferred on Wednesday and they were 5 day embryos so the earliest will be Monday and that will be 10 days.

Hooray bedrest is over!

So this morning I got up and started cleaning the house. After about 20 minutes I got nauseated and started gagging. So I sat down for awhile. When I started back up, I once again got really hot and started gagging. Hmmmm.....now we know that progesterone which I am getting by the butt load (literally) can cause nausea. Still, isn't it fun to hope it may be something more?

Update

Good news of our 5 remaining frozen embryos, 2 were thawed and both
survived the thaw! Hooray leaving us with 3 on ice.


Also, because this is my third time back "in the saddle" I was able to
advocate for myself in regards to the best position and the like and
so the transfer was very fast. Those 2 embies were in there new home
in record time.

Bad news, the camera was not working in the lab and so we have no pics
of these embies. Also, we were involved in a car accident in route to
the fertility clinic. Just a fender bender, someone hit us from behind
of the freeway. Still it was a crazy way to start the day.

BETA is in 9 days, obsessively peeing on sticks to start in 5-6!

update

Our transfer has been moved up by one day. We are transferring Wednesday the 5th instead of Thursday the 6th.

Wish us luck!

Theresa

Twins...

I just learned that my half-sister is pregnant. She is having....twins. Also, my best friend is pregnant, she is only having one that I know of.

Everyone seems to walk on egg shells around me when it comes to these issues. Even my husband was unsure how I would react and very gently asked me how I was feeling about the news.

I am very lucky that I can still experience joy on these occasions. I know that both of these women wish us nothing but the best and pray for our success.

If we are lucky enough to have a child, that would be wonderful. If we do not have a child then I pray for peace, no matter what happens I want to feel joy in our lives and the lives of our friends and family.

Faith and Courage

In case you have not noticed, I have been mostly absent from the world of blogging this cycle. I am keeping my mind busy and focusing on each day as it arrives. Well I guess that is not entirely true because nothing happens without at least a little planning. All my drugs are here, my labs are completed, my calendar is prepared, my appointments are scheduled, and last but not least...my bill is finally paid in full from the past 2 cycles (Well almost anyway, pending a couple of things that are still being disputed by the insurance company.)

I wish I could know for sure, that all this time and money has not been wasted. That the 5 remaining embryos will indeed yield a child. Infertility treatment is not for the weak. It is such an exercise in faith and courage.

Here we go..................

Cycle day 1 is today and tomorrow we start the dreaded birth control pills!! It has never made sense to me that you take birth control pills to get pregnant. No wonder this has not been successful, we have been going about it the wrong way! I have to take these suckers for just over a month, so we can have my next period arrive just on time so we can transfer on November 6th.

Woohoo let the fun begin!

Third time is a charm?

November 6th.

I know nothing is ever etched in stone when it comes to fertility, but we are shooting for November 6th as our frozen embryo transfer date. With this cycle I will start birth control pills and then stop them on a schedule to bring on my next cycle to coincide with our planned date of transfer. Since we already have frozen blasts, we do not have the worry of matching the donors cycle as well.

I need to have an injection of positive thinking, I am a bit jaded. I went to church today, I could not even bring myself to pray.

I need a little shot of optimism.

To blog or not to blog.....

I am not sure what the answer is to this question.

Pros:
It is somewhat therapeutic to me.
It keep friends and family informed.
It is a nice record of events.
It will be nice to pass on one day to any child potentially resulting from our struggle.
It may help someone else.

Cons
It is a very public display of a very private issue.
The grief I feel is felt by others.
It is time consuming.

I am not sure what I will do at this point.

Your thoughts?

Planning

I am reading a book called PERFECT HORMONE BALANCE FOR PREGNANCY and
it has a lot of good ideas of how to get yourself ready for a cycle. I
feel so often like I am so out of control of the happenings related to
my fertility. For this cycle I am definitely going to make an effort
to be a bigger part of the decision process. That process starts with
the exercise chose to partake in and the foods I choose to take into
my body each day.

I also am busy investigating FET cycles so that when I meet with my RE
in August to plan the next cycle, I am ready to discuss all the
questions I have and to be a part of the planning process.
I would so love to get pregnant with twins this time and donate the remaining 3
to someone who desperately wants them.

New name for the girls list

We like the name Meredith. One of my most favorite cheeky singers is Meredith Brooks so I think it would have to be after her. The thing is I do not like the name Mary and I am afraid people would want to call her that. If I could think of a good nickname for Meredith, it would definitely be in the running.

Any suggestions?

Number of embryos to transfer

We have 5 frozen blasts. According to ASRM:
In donor egg cycles, the age of the donor should be
used to determine the appropriate number of embryos
to transfer.

Also it says:
For patients with 2 or more previous failed IVF
cycles or a less favorable prognosis, additional embryos
may be transferred according to individual
circumstances after appropriate consultation.

Since we have 2 failed attempts, I am inclined to ask the RE to place
3 of the 5 we have during this transfer. Normally the RE would only
transfer 2.

Natural vs. medicated FET

Our fresh cycle was lost due to low progesterone. The question of
course being was it low because of chromosomal problems or low
because of inadequate progesterone supplementation?

We are meeting with out RE on August 22nd and in preparing for the
meeting I have been reading about the 2 types of cycles and all the
clinical trials I have read there is no statistical difference in the
ongoing pregnancy results.

I have always had regular 26 day cycles. I have not had a FSH done in
awhile but I do know I produced a huge ovulatory cyst with the last
cycle that delayed my fresh transfer by one week (23mm I believe)so I
am definitely still ovulating!

I feel like I would like to try the natural cycle since my 2 fresh
cycles that were medicated were not successful. I am surely not
opposed to using supplemental progesterone along with the natural
cycle, but somehow having my own functioning corpus luteum sounds
preferable.

What next?

After the sadness this summer, we plan on waiting until the fall to try again. I am planning a trip with my Mom, sister, and Aunt to celebrate my Mom's 60th and my 40th birthdays. After the trip in October, we plan on doing a frozen embryo transfer at that point.

For now we will focus on getting Katie ready for 8th grade.

Also some emotional, spiritual, and physical healing.

Keep up the good wishes and prayers, they are helping to get us through!

Happy Birthday Husband

My husband turned 37 on July 17th. For his birthday he had to deal with a crying spouse, help get a flat tire changed on her van, and stay at home for dinner. Not to mention the fact that he too was grieving the loss of our pregnancy just 3 days earlier. Also, one of his gifts was a Monty Python DVD set that he had owned previously and unbeknownst to me he had donated it to charity (oh well I tried)

On the bright side I did make him some yummy cookies. He also got a new GPS because his stopped working and a nice new walletini pen from Levenger's to go with his Father's Day present!

When Katie returns we will plan a dinner with cake for him! Poor sweetheart, I love you, Happy Birthday!

Things are getting better

Getting back to work has really been a blessing. I was so afraid to see everyone's sad faces. To hear the I'm sorrys, to have people whisper and stare. Of course it is a catch-22 if nobody mentioned anything I would feel like nobody cared.

The first day there were a lot of tears. Then it started getting better. Today I was almost back to myself and i did not cry one time.

The bleeding has also almost ceased, which in itself has increased my mood.

Each day is a little better.

I saw my therapist and had my blood drawn. My HCG dropped to 117 which is great over one week. After it returns to normal (below 5) then we can consider this cycle over and hopefully return to normal.

One week ago

One week ago today I was still pregnant. I was just returning from a fabulous cruise and I was ready to jump back into work feet first. Tonight I am wrapped in a blanket and fearful of leaving the house. It is safe here.

Tomorrow I have to return to work. Although I am sure my office mates are handling things wonderfully in my absence, I still need to be there. Otherwise, I may fall so deeply into my own wounds that I never heal.

Still the blood comes, serving as a constant reminder of what we have lost and how we continue to suffer. The tears continue in vain to cleanse the dark spot the has appeared on my soul. There are not words to communicate my grief.

Pray for my family and pray for me,

Theresa

Sad update

I am sad to report we miscarried the pregnancy on Monday. We just got the call today that does indeed indicate the numbers are declining. The good news is we still have 5 frozen embryos and we can try again when we are ready. We are so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love and support us.

Back from vacation

We are back from vacation! We spent much time relaxing and taking it easy. I have been SO Tired, I believe I slept at least 14 hour a day on the cruise. I only got nauseated a couple of time. Once was after an especially rough tender ride in Cabo San Lucas, so all and all not too bad at all.


I will check in with the MD via phone tomorrow and I am scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday.

I will let you know how things go!

Email from my 8 year old niece!

hi aunt theresa



i heard about your babys





what i'm hopeing for twins





JUST KEEP THEM # GOING UP.





i love you - but i'm hopping for is a new couin





i love you









makayla



hill

352 today

this is the last test before the ultrasound! We are so happy things seems to be progressing nicely. Two weeks from today is the ultrasound!

Theresa

153

The magic number was 100 and we are well passed it! Hooray!!

Thanks to all who were sending good wishes!

We are so excited! Hooray!

Official Beta Today

If the beta today is 100, we will be on our way. As you may remember in the last cycle, we had a positive beta that failed to double every 2 days as expected. Since Mondays beta was 50, it is expected that today we should be somewhere around 100.

I will post when I hear! We are so nervous and excited. It is hard to let yourself get excited when you know at any minute the rug can be swept out from under your feet, but today is a huge hurdle to pass on our way to winning the race.

Continue to pray and keep the good thoughts coming!

Beta today is 50

When I miscarried with my last cycle. I had a standing order for a weekly beta HCG test. This morning when I went to work, I checked to see if those orders were still active and guess what? They were! So I went to the lab this morning and had my first beta done courtesy of Kaiser. Today at 12 days past ovulation or 7 days past a 5 day transfer my beta is 50. So now we need to see if it is doubling!


Second beta will be on Wednesday!

Pray for 100 or better then!

No faint line here baby!

Faint line

If you click on the pic you can see it better!

Is that a line?

This morning I woke up at around 6 am and went downstairs to let the dog out and to collect another one of those wonderful pee sticks. Because the one from last night I knew had been negative, I was not very hopeful that I would see anything.

I waited for the test to complete and at 3 minutes I looked. At first I did not see much. The I noticed a very very very faint line. I turned the light on brighter and looked again, still not sure it was there. So I laid down on the couch and went back to sleep.

Last night when the test had been negative, my husband and I joked that the test was defective. When he woke up and came downstairs, he asked me if we had used another defective test this morning. I told him I keep imagining there is a second very faint line there. He looks and says, "there is...we are pregnant". I, still not entirely certain, asked "are you sure" so then of course I have to try it again.

So now, in around 12 hours, we have used 3 of our 5 pregnancy tests. The second test showed the same faint line as the other am test. My husband now says the one from last night has a faint pink line as well, but it is almost like we wish it to be there so now we can see it.

I woke up my 13 year old daughter and she confirmed she can see a second line as well. Hooray!

Our beta is not until Wednesday, but we are cautiously optimistic that we are heading in the right direction.

Please continue all the good thoughts, prayers, chants, Buddha belly rubbing, incense burning and bead rubbing, Who knows, we just may be lucky this time!

Obsessively peeing on sticks

It is about that time again. My hubby went to the store this evening and bought 5 pregnancy tests. I figure there are 5 mornings between now and the beta (blood pregnancy test) and I will have one for each day.

Yeah well here is the problem, I love them little sticks....and it is kinda like having a big brownie in the house when you are on a diet. You feel drawn to them, you can't stop thinking about them. You open the package just to read the directions (like you do not already know them by heart. You feel the foil package in your hands. Your heart races.

You run into the bathroom and even though it is 8 pm in the evening and not your morning urine, you do not care.


Then you wonder why the darn thing is negative.

You keep staring at it thinking the faint line will magically appear, you tilt it in the light, you squint. In disgust you throw it down. 5 minute later you pick it up again and recheck...shoot still not positive.

Oh well I guess I will have to wait until tomorrow morning to try again!

Three days after transfer

I am feeling great! The earliest I have ever heard of someone with a positive home pregnancy test was 4 days after transfer and she is carrying twins. I am trying to wait until at least Saturday or later to start testing, but I am not sure I am going to be able to wait much longer.

It is good that I have to work tomorrow! Otherwise I would have to restrain myself from going to the dollar store and buying a dozen tests.

Yes I am rolling my eyes at myself as well!

Quality blasts

7 of our 9 embryos made it to high quality blasts. 2 were transferred and 5 were frozen.

This is great news!

Sophia

Sophia has made it onto the list of possible girl names. It means Wisdom.
Here is the rest of the list.

Lily

Elizabeth

Isabella

Chloe

Zoe

Julia

Anna

Grace

Juniper

unfortunately the boys are STILL not fairing so well:

Nicholas

Zachary

Any thoughts?

Horoscope for today....

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

New people are coming into your life at a fast and furious pace. Enjoy the party.

Afghan Food for the babies

The is an awesome Afghan restaurant in Fremont called Salang Pass. You can actually sit on pillows on the floor and eat. Tonight since I am not allowed to sit on the floor and eat, instead we got Afghan take out. It was so super yummy. The babies really liked it :)

In the back of my mind, I hear my body saying enjoy it while it lasts. I have a history of not doing well with pregnancy related nausea and vomiting. I actually got a little bit sick on the way home from the clinic this afternoon, which I am hoping is a positive sign.

Transfer completed

We are back home and we have with us 2 beautiful blasts!

We also have 2 beautiful blasts already frozen and there a 5 other embryos still in the lab. We will have to see if they make it to freeze or not. We should know by tomorrow.

I am going to take a nap now. I will post more later.

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers!

Transfer tomorrow

Monday June 23, 2008 at 11:15 am the embryos will be transferred.

I am too nervous to write anything profound, clever, or witty.

Just pray all goes well and please God.....let it work this time.

Good news!

All 9 embryos are still with us.

6 are 8 cell-which is the best for day 3
2 are 5 cell
1 is 4 cell

Of the embryos

3 are grade 1 which is the best
and 6 are grade 2

So we are all set for a Monday transfer!

Hooray!

Nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof

Considering the temperature in the Bay Area is in the 90s this week, that is really saying something. I have been awake since 5 am, hoping to get a phone call from the MD saying not to come in and that the embryos are doing well. We hope that the embryos are healthy and that they are going to be transferred at the blastocyst stage. I know the people scheduled in early this morning are the first priority, so I am trying to be patient. I am just so nervous.

The forecast indicates a high of 98 degrees and my 13 year old daughter is going to an amusement park with her friends. She is no longer a little girl, but not yet a woman. However, the time has come when she is able venture out into this world on her own (or at least to Great America with a group of friends). I worry that they will not drink enough water or that they will become ill in the heat, and what about the sun? I sure hope they reapply sunscreen frequently!

Whether they are 3 day embryos or a 13 year old young lady, a Mom never stops worrying!

what happens next?

Now we wait until Saturday morning to see how our little embies grow. When they look at them under the microscope on Saturday this is what we hope they see. 8 cells, uniform in shape and size, and no fragmentation. Each embryo is evaluated and if we have 4 or more high quality day 3 embryos, we wait until Monday to transfer.

If there are 3 or less, or if they are not developing well we transfer a maximum of 3 embryos on Saturday.

Donor update

15 eggs
12 were mature
9 fertilized!

Hooray!

Super donor!

Woo-hoo we got 15 eggs today.
We will hear tomorrow how many fertilize.
Keep the prayers, well wishes, Buddha belly rubbing, incense burning going!
We are so excited. Please God let it work this time!

Good luck to our donor!

I hope all goes well and that you are feeling happy and loved on the blessed day! My thoughts, prayers, and dreams will be with you today. HUGS!

Full Moon Fertility

There is a full moon out tonight, it was really quite striking as we returned from the mall. I have heard before that the moon influences our cycles and our fertility. I hope the full moon is a positive sign!

Signing the card for the donor

My husband and I were discussing whether or not we should sign the card or leave it anonymous. We decided there was no harm in signing our first names, so that is what we agreed to do. Later in the evening when we were ready to sign the card, I asked my daughter if she would like to sign the card as well. Of course she did. There was only one problem, we did not tell her that we were signing only our first names. She signed her first and last name. I went into a panic, because I am a little crazy like that. What are we going to do? We do not have another card. Maybe I could make her a card, we have some card stock around her don't we?

After helping me find the card stock that we have available, he knew to work with me for a few minutes because he is wise like that. My husband quickly reassured me that the card was fine. Katie does not even have the same last name that we have. It is no big deal.

I know my nerves are a wreck tonight, but I often wonder why I get so worked up about the silliest things.

The perfect pair of earrings.....

We bought the perfect pair of earrings for the donor. They arrived today as expected via overnight delivery. We have purchased from this company in the past and LOVED their jewelry. I removed the earrings to inspect the beautiful aquamarine, I admired it lovingly, and returned it to the box. As I replaced it the back came off of the earring. I started to replace the back when I realized the back was still on the post and instead the post had separated from the stone mount. The beautiful stone was in one hand and the post and back in the other. I almost cried.

This necessitated a late evening run to the mall. We went to Macy's and four jewelry stores before finding the replacement aquamarine earrings. We were so lucky to find a replacement, when you have settled on a particular style, nothing else will do.

Thankfully the earrings are now packaged and tucked into hubby's car, ready to be delivered tomorrow to our wonderful donor.

Update on me...

I keep forgetting to update my status.

Yesterday the visit was 2 thumbs up. Labs and lining were both good. We are ready, all systems are go. But first, you guessed it, we have to wait about 2 more weeks to find out if it works and we are indeed pregnant.

Schedule of Events

Trigger today 6/16
Retrieve Wednesday 6/18
Fertilize Wednesday 6/18
Check to see how many fertilized on Thursday 6/19
Hopefully we will transfer Monday 6/23
but if too few are available then we transfer on Saturday 6/21
Pregnancy test Wednesday 7/2

Donor gift

Yesterday we ordered our donor a gift. We had thought about the usual flowers, or spa gift certificate, but in the end we decided on something more permanent. Deciding upon a gift was not easy. We wanted it to some way connect the donor to the child. We thought about the child and when he/she would be born. It will be in the month of March and the March birthstone is aquamarine. We thought too of the history of the gem and in the end wrote the following card for the donor.

Aquamarine represents the ocean of love that will surround this child when entering the world in March, and the love that surrounds you today.

It will be enclosed with a pair of Aquamarine stud earrings.

tonight we trigger!

Today at work I got the call. The donor is ready to trigger. According to everyones best guess, there are between 10-15 mature follicles that will be retrieved on Wednesday morning.

Up until this point I have been very muted about the whole process. I am sure it is partially in self-preservation. If I stay neutral then perhaps it will not hurt as much if things go badly. Well as hard as I may have tried, there was no controlling my racing heart whenever the NP called and said, "Are you ready? we are triggering tonight!" I replied, "Let's do it!"

I wonder if the donor is feeling as excited. I wonder too if it makes her sad to let go.

Books we will read to a new baby...

This is a great question from the donor. I happen to have some experience in reading books to a little one, although I may be a bit rusty as she decided to start reading on her own!

One of the the first books that comes to mind is.....

Where the Wild Things Are..,,On the night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of on kind...and another....LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!

Next is a sweet book called HUGS...Mommy hugs are soft and warm I like them very much, Daddy hugs wrap all around they have a tickley touch

and who can forget, The Cat in the Hat....The sun did not shine it was too wet to play, so we stayed in the house all that cold, cold wet day. I sat there with Sally, We sat there we two, and of how we wished we had something to do. To wet to go out, to cold to play ball, so we sat in the house and did nothing at all.

Then there was another sweet little book called Here I am. I have 2 little eyes, a mouth and a nose, Ten little finger and 10 little toes. I have two hands to clap, clap, clap. I have 2 feet to tap, tap, tap.

Even when you are very little you can check out your body, Katie LOVED this!

Anyone else have a good book to recommend?

Update on me...

With all the excitement with the donor, I forgot to tell you how I am doing.

My job is to prepare for the arrival of our embryos. I do this my taking Lupron injections and Estrogen pills. I also take a baby aspirin each day.

I had my ultrasound and blood work on Friday. My lining was a little thin and according to my blood work my estrogen level was a little low. So my Estrogen dose was increased and now I must return to the clinic on Monday and have another blood test and ultrasound. They just need to make sure when the time finally arrives, I have a sufficient lining to support a pregnancy. A lining of greater than 8 mm is preferred, mine was 7.8.

Another day another dose, and more waiting.

Letter from the donor.

Boo they lied to me!

Evidently yesterday when I got the info, I got it on the wrong donor. I know...I know how can that happen? But you know what I work in the health care field and I know that things happen, it is just that 2 things have happened to me on this cycle now! Grrrrr!

Anyway, instead of having "lots of eggs" my donor has about 13 that are developing well. That number sounds a little low to me, but as my sister reminded me, we do not need 13 and it is quality not quantity that is important.

Even though I am telling myself all this, why is it I feel a little let down?

On a happy note, I got a letter from our donor which made me very happy! She seems so wonderful.

I pray for patience over this weekend!

Theresa

How is the donor?

Well I am glad you asked. The donor is evidently doing great.

They said, "she has a lot of eggs in there" and that they believe she may retrieve on Sunday! Woot, this is great news! So by Monday, I should know how many fertilized, if all goes well.

Wow that seems very fast, I hope that is not a bad sign, I do not want her to hyperstimulate. We are so excited!

Little hat and booties

Ann my new best friend in the world and a true Catholic who both prays and buys baby clothes...I think she was once hit my a nun with a ruler, but I do not think she knows any personally...although her mother is like a saint.

I think the real reason she bought the baby clothes is because she is hoping to get on God's good side and he will let Desie into Catholic Schools!

Thanks again for the clothes!

PS Matthew tried on the hat and played finger puppets with the booties, Boca was so disturbed he barked at him!

Family

According to m-w.com definition 3a for the word family is as follows: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation.

Well, if you read this blog you are a part of my blogging family.
Also if your blood courses through my child's veins, you are a part of this family.
Some of you, God bless you, are related to us directly.
Other are affiliated or associated in a non-linear fashion.
Some of you are my work family, some of you are my in-laws, some of you are my outlaws.
Some of you are here because of the blog, others are here in spite of the blog.

The wonderful church I go to sing a beautiful hymn that proclaims, "All are welcome in this place" and our motto is "whoever you are, where ever you are on life's journey, you are welcome here."

I feel like that about the blog as well. If you want to post something, please do. If you are more comfortable lurking, please do that as well.

I just want to thank all of you for your prayers, well wishes, and support. It has truly been a group effort for a very long time.

Theresa

Chocolate clarification...

I suppose in my vague reference to chocolate and fertility drugs there was a bit of room for ambiguity. To make all things clear.....

Yes we are cycling this month! On or about the 19th of June the eggs will be retrieved from the donor and fertilized. On or about the 24th, they will be returned to me. And on or about July the 3rd, we will know if we are pregnant.

On exactly July the 6th, we are leaving on a cruise to Mexico to celebrate or love regardless of the results!

I am currently taking my hormones, so if you call and I am not on my A game, you will know why. I do not even have to take the hard stuff. The donor is the one who is charged with that responsibility. I hope she tolerates the hormone fluctuations better than I do! All I can say is that she is a remarkable person to take on all this.

I am going in for lab work on Monday morning. Wish us luck!

Theresa

An Act of Faith

Way back when, when my in-laws were trying to conceive my husband, they also sought assistance. The assistance they sought was of a higher order, or should I say a holy order, the Carmelite Nuns. Matthew's Aunt Lucia was a member of this order.

When Kathy and Vince revealed they were not having success in conceiving, the nuns recommended prayer, and told the young couple that as an Act of faith, they should buy baby clothes.

Sure enough Matthew was conceived a few months later.

I thought this was such a sweet story, that is until I was told the frugal young couple never actually bought the baby clothes.

My sister-in-law Rebaccah, has purchased said clothes to make up for the sins of our elders, and now both of us would like to have the curse lifted from us.

Perhaps the frugal not so young couple should not only pray but purchase the baby clothes so that their children may conceive as well!

I know, I know....but I am covering all my bases just in case!

Tired of it....

You know I can tell by the look on their faces, many of the people I know are really tired of hearing me talk about the cycle. Many have been with me through the tubal surgery, the IUIs, the IVF attempt, the donor cycle with my sister.....and they are really so tired of it.

I am tired too. I am tired of waiting, and poking, and scanning. I am tired of talking to the insurance company, and co-ordinating with the case manager. I am tired of not being able to talk to the donor. I am tired of paying so much money to other people to do what I should be able to do myself. I would pay 10k to be able to push the fast forward button and find out what will happen in the next 4 weeks.

But you know what? If it works it will all be worth it. Then I will just be tired because I have a new wonderful baby, and I am just tired because I am a new Mom again. I can't wait to be that kind of tired.

Theresa

Chocolate sacrifices..

And the Lord looked on the Chocolate offering and he found it to be very good.

Progesterone levels are down today! We are starting fertility drugs today! Woo-hoo!!!

I am so excited!

Theresa

You forgot to do what?

So, I went to the clinic this morning and that stupid cyst was still there....like a big fat goose egg. I hate you cyst! Just for that I am attacking you with more chocolate cookies tonight!

Anyway, so I had my blood drawn. The deal is that my hormone levels have to be down, so I waited very patiently...or not. When I finally get the call, I am told I have to wait until tomorrow for the results because they forgot to run the progesterone level and now the lab is closed, "they come in early you know".....yes I do know, I was there at 7:00 am when they opened the doors for Pete's sake!

SO here I am waiting patiently...or not. If I had been a good student in the mind body class I would be taking deep breaths and allowing the breath to massage my ovaries and break up that cyst. Instead, I am engaging in more chocolate therapy!

Sigh:(

What if the cyst is still there?

If the cyst is still there, the donor will proceed without me. We will not have a fresh cycle. On the day of the retrieval, the donor's eggs will be injected with Hubby's sperm and then we will see what happens. The healthiest of the embryos will all be frozen and we will prepare for a frozen embryo transfer(s), whenever I am ready (probably the next menstrual cycle)

negatives-frozen cycles are slightly less successful than fresh cycles are in general.

positives-I get to drink fun fruity drinks on our cruise in July!

I have to try to think on the bright side or I drive myself insane!

Fingers crossed

Cyst is an ugly word.
Chocolate is a wonderfully sensual word.

Perhaps if I eat more chocolate the cyst will be gone.

I am off to make cookies!

I will let you all know about the cyst tomorrow.


Theresa

Night sweats

Annoying night sweats are one of the side effects of Lupron. Up until about 3 days ago, I had not been troubled with them. I am hoping this is a good sign!

I am also back to having crazy vivid dreams on the Lupron. Last night I dreamed that my sister-in-law Rebeccah was riding around on a little miniature toy car. Now her husband has been known to engage in such behavior, but I would fall down dead if I actually saw her cruising in such a fashion.

Tuesday is the day that we find out if my cyst has resolved. Wish me luck!

New Cruise clothes

Yes, I am one of those people who love to dress up like a freak while on a cruise. Yesterday I went shopping and found 2 new additions to my cruise attire... black capris with little pink flamingos and jean capris with little pairs on sandals on them.

My husband is a good sport and does not make fun of me when I wear them. It makes me happy and he knows when I am happy, he is way more likely to be happy! ;)

36 days until departure!

Theresa

Upcoming cruise

The first thing we are going to do after we complete this cycle, is go on a cruise.

Katie is going to the Ukraine this summer with her granny, and Matthew and I are headed to the Mexican Riviera.

I know you are probably saying no big deal, you have been there before, like on your honeymoon. However, I can tell you Matthew and I are so ready for 7 days of lazing about and soaking in the sun.

If we are pregnant we will be celebrating, if not we will be sucking down the booze!

I can not wait!

Theresa

Show me the money

We are patiently waiting for reimbursement from our first DE cycle....oh who am I kidding I have been on the phone for hours over the past week trying to get the insurance to pay, the MD office to bill correctly. I have gone over the charges line by line with all parties involved. Finally a conference call between myself, the insurance company, and RSC may have worked. Keeping fingers crossed. Also our health care flexible spending accounts have reimbursed. Maybe before this cycle is over, we will have the money to pay for the last cycle!

Sigh!

Failure to suppress.....

Today I went in for my ultrasound and blood test and what did they see??? A big "cyst" on my ovary. The case manager said that the MD thought the Lupron was not holding me and that I was ovulating despite the Lupron and the BCP! BOO...HISS!

So we are on hold for a week to see if it resolves!

Sigh!

Nothing is ever easy!

Theresa

left a door open....

I want the donor to be able to find us if she chooses. For that reason I decided that the anonymous letter we are permitted to send would leave the door open for her to do just that. Here is a copy of the letter I wrote to her.

She need only search for any portion of the text in Google and she will be able to find our blog. I hope that in this day and age of computers she will get the hint that a journal entry can be online. Also the text of the entry hints to the fact that I am writing not to myself but to a wider audience.

Ia m crossing my fingers and hoping this works, if she wants to talk to us, I want her to know we would love to talk to her.

Theresa

Showing up is half the battle....

My Mom and Aunt Patty flew in from Ohio. This despite their initial reservations being canceled because Skybus went out of business. Their trip was also hampered by a bad case of airsickness and stomach flu. They were present on Opening night with flowers in hand!

Katie's Granny and Aunt Barbara. People who mean the world to my baby girl. Their trip was not easy either. Air transportation whether it is seating or getting from one place to another with Aunt Barbara's limited mobility is a challenge. Not to mention the Motel 6 nightmare, that was waiting for them when they arrived. They brought all their love, all the way from the east coast!

Our lawyers Sarah and Justin faced not only the challenges of looming deadlines, but also transportation difficulties getting from the city to the burbs. Not to mention the florists who have the nerve to close on time! Thank goodness for BART, taxi's, scooters, & sheer willpower that allowed them to arrive in one piece and on time, (and with flowers, because every little girl needs flowers!)

Nothing could keep my sister-in-law Rebeccah from making the show. Sister's graduation, bah, friends getting married no problem, husband stuck in the city with an impossible deadline.. she persevered and with great flowers and lovely card as usual. HUGS!

Just been on a 17 day cruise and need to get your house back in order? Family conflicts and church obligations have you tied down? None of these were excuses that kept my mother-in-law from making the show.

My daughter is just one of many students that her voice teacher sees weekly. Yet, each year she somehow manages to make it to one of Katie's shows. This is truly a labor of love, we know Katie would not be where she is right now, without Stephanie's infinite patience and her love to performing arts. There is a special place in heaven for her husband who accompanies her to these performances as well.

Her Dad works very hard to maintain a close relationship with Katie. Many absent fathers would say, there are already many people coming to the show, it does not make a difference if I am there. Kevin knows that it does indeed make a difference. Little girl's get their self-confidence from their Dads.

My husband is my rock. He keeps me on a forward trajectory even when I am close to falling. He supports me in all the crazy things I think I need to do. He loves Katie with all his heart, and he filmed the entire show....twice!

Nakeia and Zion, I saw you arrive and despite the long trip from Richmond and the late hour, you two made it to the show. I SOOO appreciate it.

Each person had a valid excuse for not making it to the show, yet somehow they made it a priority to come. Your presence is the biggest gift you could ever give to Katie or to me.

The way to win me over, is through my child. You all truly mean the world to me!

on being thankful for what you have....

Over the past week, we have had many, many guests. Most of whom are family in one sense of the word or another. Each brings something wonderful to the table. Their spirit or essence defines them and their role in the loosely constructed web that unites each of us. This family web may look fragile at first glance, but as the web continues to grow, it not only becomes more beautiful, but healthier as a whole.

I am thankful for this crazy mess of a web that unites us.

It is a Dogs Life

Sometimes being a dog is not all fun and games. especially if you are a golden retriever with allergies. In the last month or so we have had to make multiple visits to the vet attempting to clear up his skin. The poor thing itches all the time. We have had to change his food, he is getting 2 baths a week with medicated shampoo, he take multiple pills, and he has to endure the daily application of ointment to his boo-boos. He is really such a good dog, I hope he is all better soon.

This week

This weekend we have been busy preparing for the influx of multiple family members. My Mom and Aunt Patty, Matthew's Mom, Matthew's siblings, Kevin, his Mom, and Aunt Barbara will all be here at some point over the next week to cheer on our biggest star!

On Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday Katie is starring in he Jr. High School production of The Big Bad Musical. For those of you unfamiliar with this production of what is sure to be the next Broadway hit.(..errrr maybe off Broadway...errr maybe WAY OFF Broadway), It is the trial of the big bad bad wolf. Members of the fairy tale kingdom have brought a class action law suit against the wolf in order to gain some monetary compensation for their sufferings. The best thing is the audience gets to decide the verdict, so the cast has to learn 3 different endings to the play.

Katie has a solo..hooray! She also has many spoken lines. It should be great. Well, it has to be better than the 5th grade chorus and band concerts we have attended in the past! At any rate, we welcome you all to the show. tickets are $5 at the door. We know you will love it! Here is the address and directions:

Tuesday May 20th - Thursday May 22
7:30 pm.
I-880 south to San Jose
exit 19 Thornton Ave
Left on Thornton Ave
Arrive 4357 Thornton Ave, Fremont on the left

Also did I mention, I start Lupron this week?

Should be a fun week!

:

Blog shout out!

I am curious..who is out there reading?
Please leave your name and how/if you know us.

Hope and promise

Hello friends,

As some of you may noticed I changed to pic on the blog, The picture of the embryos can still be seen on the January 26th post. The embryos that did not make it are now a permanent part of me, just as they are a permanent part of this blog. They are a part of me, but they do not define me. I remember the day I took my beta, I saw the most wonderful rainbow. I knew then that things were going to be ok one way or another, and that God had a plan for me. I just had to believe. it is that hope and promise that gives me the strength to try again, and ultimately the strength to accept the outcome, no matter what it is.

This journey has not always been easy; thanks for coming along for the ride!

Theresa

Memes from the Dirty catholic in my family!

Questions that my sister-in-law wanted me to answer, I think it may be for black-mail . At any rate you can see her blog at www.dirtycatholic.com

1. Just how lazy are you?

Well I can sum it up in 3 words: recliner, laptop, microwave.

2. What are you going on and on about these days?

LOL, let em see...Egg donors, Jr. High School musical productions, and oh yes did I mention we are in the middle of an audit at work?

3. Your husband/significant someone always calls it a crackpot theory, but you know you're really onto something. Tell, tell, tell!

a) Children only do what they are capable of doing....(oh yeah, then why do so many of them have broken bones?) this one is from my friend Paula!

b) If you cry more..you pee less....(uh thanks Mom for those words of wisdom)

c) If you keep your legs up in the air after having sex it increases your chances of getting pregnant....(I do not which is worse actually having tried it or admitting to it...oh wow block it out, try not to get a visual)

4. Have you ever eaten a half a hard boiled egg that you found on the floor, and then absentmindedly shaken salt directly into your mouth to chase it?

No but I have accidentally picked up a week old diet coke out of the cup holder in the car and drank from it! GAG!

5. What did you really screw up this year?

Wow I guess it would have to be continuing to drink diet coke after discovering I was pregnant and then hating myself when the pregnancy failed.

6. What did you really get right?
I married the right man and my 13 year old thinks I am a good parent!

The sacrifices we make...

For those who know me, this will come as a complete shock. I have stopped drinking diet coke...I know...I know...can you believe it? I am on day 6 now, and aside from one killer headache and a couple of swollen feet I have faired very well. However, I have just finished a bowl of vegetable soup and what would be better than a cold diet coke to wash it down with? This flavored water is great, but I am afraid it is just not the same.....

SO why have I done this??? Well thanks to Kaiser for publishing this article (NOT) http://ckp.kp.org/newsroom/national/archive/nat_080121_caffeine.html
that and given that we lost the baby earlier this year, and that I have the guilt of a good Catholic or Jewish girl (although I do not happen to be either)

6 whole days without caffeine....this May be a bigger miracle than actually having a baby! I have certainly had a child since I started drinking diet coke!

Wish me luck for the stressful weeks ahead!

Blogger slacker.....

Well my co-worker (so not my friend) calls me slacker nurse, now she has transferred that title to my blogging habits (or lack of blogging) so I decided to get back on the ball here.

Thought for the day:

Choosing an egg donor is like choosing a one night stand, only without the free drinks!

How is that Ann?

How to ride an exercise bike and blog at the same time....

First get a recumbent exercise bike. Then adjust the seat to a comfortable position. Then have your husband measure how tall a table you would need to go over the bike and pedal without being obstructed. Then have him build said table for you! I will try to attach a picture! The cost is less than $20. It is not pretty but it gets the job done!

Food glorious food!

I am so happy that I have a planned start date for my donor cycle. I have really been depressed and in a funk since we lost the pregnancy in February. As a result, via my normal way of dysfunctional coping, I have gained some weight.

Today as I write this, I am busy riding the exercise bicycle. I am back on the wagon..err at least the bike anyway. Fortunately I have never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, but I have definitely been known to abuse myself with a spoon and fork, if I am in the car, I do not even need to have those, I can eat chips right out of the bag.

So with my new found glee, I am going to put put my energies to good use.

Wish me luck and say prayers for me, I am going to need all the help I can get.

Out with the old.....

Here is great news, we very quickly found a new donor! The best news is she will be ready in 6 weeks...hooray!

She has cycled once previously: 30 eggs, 21 fertilized, 2 transferred, singleton pregnancy, 10 embryos were frozen.

She had such a great cycle that she has earned the coveted shared cycle title.
We have to make her available for 6 weeks, in case another couple would like to share, but if nobody claims her in 6 weeks, she is all ours. She is our new hero!



Woot...in 6 weeks we start Lupron!

sometimes you bite the bullet.....and sometimes

Well after much fretting over $$$, my husband and I decided to bite the bullet. pay the extra money, and move forward with a donation as a sole recipient and not a shared cycle.

Aside from some logistics to schedule timing with the donor, everything seemed to moving ahead according to plan. Then...the donor revealed to the coordinator that she had had a piercing 3 months ago. I personally do not care what she has pierced, but the FDA sure does. In fact she can not donate again for a year after she has the piercing. This restriction also applies to a tattoo.

Sigh, so now we are back to square 1.

Looking for a donor.

Someone is that 20%

I am a member of an online support group for mothers via egg donation. There is a lot of love and support found here, but sometimes things just hit me the wrong way. The leader of the group after years of infertility was one of the lucky ones and eight years ago had a son. There are those of us who have not yet been so lucky and are just trying to make it the best way we can. Those who have made it are full of advice for the rest of us, they tell us where to go, and what questions to ask, and who to talk to and what to read. I argue that at the end of the day, none of that really matters:

Even though clinics have great rates, all that matters in the end is your personal experience. At any clinic, even the best ones, people go home with no baby. If you are one of those unlucky people who goes home with no baby, 20% unsuccessful in the stats is 100% unsuccessful to you personally. On the other hand, if you spend $5K in Kenya and go home with a baby, it is 100% successful to you personally.

It is a gamble with very high stakes, some of us are winners the first time we "pull the handle" and some of us continue to feed every spare dollar and even those we do not have for a "chance" to make our dreams come true.

We can try to "learn the tables", and "count the cards", but in the end...how much control do any of us actually have? For those of you who have "hit the jackpot" congratulation are in order, but please do not judge the rest of us on how we decide to "play our hand"

The truth is, no matter what we do, and no matter which clinic we go to...someone is that 20%. We just all pray it is not us.

Theresa

13

Can you believe it, my baby Katie will be 13 this weekend?
No longer a child, not yet a woman.
She still climbs up in my lap for hugs and asks me to tell her stories.
She loves shoes and handbags of which she told her 8 year old cousin, you can never have enough.
She is still my little drama queen, but she has taken her talents to the stage as well.

I am so proud of her and I love her very much!

Names

While we are not so patiently waiting for a second donor, it is "fun" to re-address the topic of names. Although my co-workers have made fun of Juniper, I am sorry to let them know that it has not been entirely ruled out. We think it is kinda pretty. My husband does not like Junipero for a boy so yo can relax there.

Here are some other potential girl names

Lily

Elizabeth

Isabella

Chloe

Zoe

Julia

Anna

Grace

Juniper

unfortunately the boys are not fairing so well:

Nicholas

Zachary

Of course if you want to make a donation to:

The Nameless yet-to-be Conceived (because we do not yet have a second recipient) Child Relief Fund, we may consider naming our child after you,

That is unless you have a stupid name or a name similar to someone we hate. George's need not apply. And no we are not naming the baby girl or boy AnnBetsyRose (this is an example of a stupid name)

All suggestions will be considered or made fun of as the case may be,

Thanks for your support!

Theresa

Shared cycle

The anonymous donor we previously selected is still available. We have signed up for a shared donor cycle. The primary reason is money. We save about $5,000 by sharing the eggs. As long as there are more than eight mature eggs, we get half. Up to eight we would get them all as we signed up for this donor first and are therefore the primary recipients. usually about 2/3 of the eggs fertilize. This donor has donated 3 times previously and all 3 ended in pregnancies, one was twins. Hopefully, our super donor will continue with her great track record and a lot of people will be very happy!

Now we have to wait for another couple to agree to be the secondary recipients. It seems cruel to have to wait, but what can you do.

Part of me wants to be horribly greedy, pay the $5k and get on with it. I am not a very patient patient!

If only money grew on trees!

Thalassemia Minor

I have always known my friend Paula and her family had a low grade anemia, well that anemia has a name and it is Thalassemia minor. If is kinda like sickle-cell anemia, meaning as long as both partners do not have the trait, then it is not expressed as full blown Thalassemia major. However, even carriers of the trait have a chronic low grade anemia. To my friend Paula and her family it means very little in their everyday life. However, when it comes to egg donation, it becomes a very big deal.

The risks are too great according to my clinic staff and they have excluded Alizsha as a donor because of it. Sigh! My friend Paula reminded me of the condition when I spoke to her on the phone late last week and so I did some research over the weekend and then emailed my clinic this morning.

On a positive note, we have not seen Alizsha since her Mom's wedding in 2004, so I will be happy to have her come visit. If her Mom and baby sister can come as well, we can make it a mother daughter weekend and perhaps take a little road trip.

Back to the fertility issues, we are back to square one. We picked out an anonymous donor before we thought about Alizsha, she is still available and we are likely to use her. She was a previous donor with 3 donations and 3 successful pregnancies. She is only 22 years old as well. In her profile she says she wants to return to college and become a nurse and one day maybe even an Oncologist. Well maybe that is a sign, given that I am an Oncology nurse as well.

I know I should be thankful we have a back up plan, but I am a little disappointed. Let's see how everything plays out!

Theresa

Plane ticket is purchased

I am happy to say that we have secured a plane ticket for Alizsha. She will be flying in the first week of April for her physical assessment and her psych evaluation. Matthew and I are seeing the therapist this Friday. I have to say that this time around seems less scary because I know more of what to expect.

The hardest thing to do is wait....

So far we have waited to see what the MD thought about using Alizsha as a donor...
Next we had to wait to hear what the physician group thought of using her....
Then we had to wait and see if we could find a therapist to see her....
Next we had to wait and see what the therapist thought of her over the phone....
Now we are waiting to see how the psych screening and physical exam go......

All of this before I have to take a single med or see the MD. I actually will not need to be seen until my pre-lupron ultrasound which will not occur until the beginning of May!

Perhaps now is the time I work very hard and make lots of money! To help pay for all this!

Maybe I should take an extra Prozac while I am at it!

Theresa

And the winner is.....

The 19 year old donor is the winner!

Well so far so good anyway. Our donor and our NEW therapist spoke briefly today over the phone. The therapist called her a delightful young woman and said she was at a good place in her life and so far an appropriate donor for us. Our old therapist approached the situation in such a negative manner that it is hard to imagine our donor getting a fair evaluation. (who needs an ageist therapist anyway! we got rid of that mess)
She needs to fill out the screening, and get labs with her next period. Then we are back on track. Alizsha is flying here the first weekend in May for a whirlwind trip that involves blood work, antral follicle count, cultures, and psych work-up. then hopefully we are on track for a May transfer! Woot!

Wish us luck!

Theresa

Red tape

Well we are experiencing what is known as red tape. Our MD approved our family friend as an egg donor, however she will have to go through the same physical and psychiatric counseling as any other donor. Seems simple enough right? Now comes the red tape. Our therapist believes that 19 is too young to make informed consent. The ASRM (American Society of Reproductive Medicine) says that you must be 18, but they recommend that you be 21 to donate. There are donor agencies that accept 19 year old donors, so the practice is not that uncommon.

Our therapist, whom we happened to like quite a bit, has said she thinks this is a bad idea primarily because of her age, but in addition to that she just seems to believe known donors who are not family members are a bad idea. I have spoke with our donor at length about a litany of issues including possible physical complications including hyperstimulation syndrome, future fertility issues, anticipated relationship with our child etc....I have found her to be remarkably mature and thoughtful in her answers and thought processes.

There are other issues that must be considered, namely time and money. We have already been cleared for egg donation at our clinic, transferring to another clinic would be costly. Also, I do not want to spend so much time wound up in red tape that we delay the process.

I have telephoned 6 other therapists in our area. After explaining the situation to them, I will listen to see if they are all as negative in evaluating our prospective donor. If they all seem quite negative, perhaps we will go with an anonymous donor at our clinic.

Sigh...such frustrations!

Wish us luck!

Re-consult with MD

On Wednesday we are having a reconsult with our MD. We have a few questions for him including:
1) Is there any way we can try another cycle with Dawn?
2) Could the results be better if we changed her medications or her protocol?
3) What are the chances of success if we use Dawn again?
4) If we decided to use Dawn again would you support us in our decision?
5) We have a friend of the family who is 19 years old and in college, clinic protocol says the donor should be twenty years old. Is there any way we can use her?
6) What are the relative chances of success if we use the younger donor vs my sister?
7) Would another clinic allow us to use a younger donor or is this an industry standard?

Wish us luck and pray for success!

Theresa

Picking a donor

How complicated can this be? We started with our fertility clinic's donor pool. I looked mostly at women who had donated before and were eligible for shared cycles. Of the half dozen or so who met this criteria, how do I say this and be politically correct? Oh well when have I ever been politically correct? Let's just say they were quite diverse. My sister is now having dreams about me giving birth to Hispanic children!

I also discovered that my husband has some definite ideas about what qualities he would chose in a donor. It became painfully clear that the highly intelligent, good natured, round faced, pale skinned, preferably dimpled little girl is not standing by and waiting to give her eggs to us. So where do we go from here?

It becomes really perverse, when you start thinking of your friends and family members not as beloved family but as potential sources of prime donor eggs. Here is my husband thinking aloud. Maybe we can find a law student or young lawyer from Berkeley or Stanford who has a lot of debt to pay off and could use the money and would not mind helping a friend. Wait, we do know someone like that.....husband, I can use my sister as a donor, but you can't!

So, if any of you would like to volunteer your friends or family, please enclose 2 baby pictures, health records, and an essay on the value of egg donation........

I guess I will go back to looking at the diverse donors available at our clinic. Adios!

Looking ahead

It is hard to look ahead when your insurance has still not paid what is behind! SIGH! Also, that lingering Beta can go away very soon as well.

I think as far as we are concerned, having a child is one of the most important things to us right now. Everything else can come in time, but given the small window of opportunity remaining open to us, the time is now or never for a child.

Now comes the hard decisions, how to move forward. Picking a young donor is best for egg numbers and egg quality. Picking a total stranger is even more difficult. Do you look strictly at age, success in prior cycles, physical characteristics, academic achievement, family values?? What about sharing the cost and sharing the eggs with another couple? I suppose I want a baby who at least resembles me, but is that what is really important?

The nice thing is, I do not have to make all the decisions all by myself! It is nice to have a husband in times like these!

Theresa

24 hours (not as exciting as the tv show)

I have slept almost 24 hours solid, and even though I still have a cough and a scratchy voice, I am feeling a lot better!

I think I just needed to lay low and let the body heal itself. I know the stress has been incredible over the past couple of weeks and I needed to give in and just sleep! My hubby said. "you are a good sleeper, I wish I could sleep like you" I fortunately am susceptible to the sleepy effect of Benadryl, he on the other hand stays up all night if he takes it. Not a fair world.

He is a day or 2 behind me so hopefully he will feel better soon as well!

Theresa

Stupid Cold...

I have succeeded in giving my cold to my husband, so we can be miserable together! (sigh) With his cold he has managed to work the entire day, and do odd jobs around the house. I on the other hand have been dosing myself with copious amounts of Nyquil. I believe I am a bit of an underachiever. I have slept so much today. Nyquil has definitely been my friend. My nose, head, chest, and throat cheer when I take it, even if my taste buds are screaming!

Thanks to my sister-in-law Sarah for entertaining Katie!



Theresa

Trying to get back to normal....

My husband has several family members in the area. His Mom also came
into town this weekend. While they have been here, I have spent most
of the weekend reading, and sleeping, anything to escape the pain. All
weekend they wanted to get together for dinner, I just could not do it.

My in-laws were very kind. Instead of going out to dinner they
ordered dinner in at my sister-in-laws house because I was afraid of
breaking up in public. They also carefully avoided too many I'm
sorries and how are you doings. We just ate food and talked and
generally had a nice time. It was to be a celebration dinner for our
pregnancy, Matthew's sister's engagement, and brother's anniversary.
fortunately there were no toasts with awkward gaps. I am so glad I
went, I actually considered not going. My daughter also spent the
night with Matthew's sister, who is so much cooler than we are.

Yes the world will get back to normal, it is just hard to see it from
here. One day at a time!

Theresa

Way TMI and Graphic

As expected after a couple of days of spotting, my period/miscarriage
came last night. I knew it was coming but I was not ready for what it
brought. I awoke in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
There on the top of the pad was what I am sure was the embryo/baby. I
have never seen anything like it before. It was white almost pearly
and smaller than the eraser of a mechanical pencil. I was paralyzed,
what do i do with it. Flush it, throw it away? So in the end I just
wrapped it carefully in toilet paper and threw it away and went back
to bed. I woke my husband and told him. He patted me. I am almost
paralyzed today. I need to get a hold of myself, but i just keep
falling apart.

My heart hurts.

How I am feeling tonight....

For those of you wondering how I am feeling tonight, I thought I would provide you with an update. In addition to my fertility related woes I have come down with a terrible upper respiratory infection!

1. I have a constant dull headache.
2. I have vomited twice.
3. I have a sore throat.
4. Mucous, need I say more?
5. Coughing.
6. Spent much of evening on couch covered with blanket with head on husband's lap.
7. A bit weary, sad, achy, heavy, and empty feeling.
8. I also feel very loved and very lucky!
9. I think tomorrow I am going to buy some Sleepy time tea, that sounds yummy!
10. Sleepy too...goodnight!

LOVE to all!

Theresa

Patient comments

While we were at the MD's office today, he turned around his computer screen and reviewed our cycle with us. I was so busy inspecting the numbers and embryo quality information that I missed the the most humorous part. Thankfully, my keen eyed husband was there to let me know what it said in the patient comment section.

Pt-RN nervous

Everyone who works in the health care field knows what this code means.

Patient is a bossy, opinionated, psychotic pain in the ass. Just let her tell you how to do your job and she will be happy! Also, she cries lots!

Oh well, I told you nurses are the worst patients.

Faith, Hope, and Love

Today this chapter of our quest for a baby came to an end. An ultrasound showed what we feared, an empty womb. There are many tears left to shed, and many hours left to grieve. Though our hearts are heavy, we still have so much for which to be thankful.

I have faith, even though I do not understand why this has happened, that God has a plan for me and my family. I do believe the rainbow was a sign for me just as it was for Noah that brighter days are to come. I have hope that his plan will be revealed to me in a real and meaningful way. And most importantly, I am surrounded by love. God's love, Matthew's love, Katie's love, Dawn's love and the love of the many people all over who have taken a moment of their time to say a prayer for us, or give a hug, or say a kind word.

We thank each of you from the bottom of our hearts!

Theresa, Matthew, & Katie

beta is 252

I am so sorry everyone, it looks like this may not be meant to be.

I should be somewhere over 700 at this point and it just is not doubling.

Friday we go for an ultrasound at 2:30 and we will know for sure then.

In the mean time I plan on looking around me at all the blessings I have in my life. Who would have imagined how far I have come. I still have my rainbow too. I will never forget it/her/him/them.

Thanks for all the love and prayers. God is still very good!

Theresa

Q&A

Here is a copy of an email I sent to my MD, he called me and we discussed the answers, which are noted in red below.


1. The US that is done prior to the MTX injection, will it tell definitively if this is a tubal vs uterine pregnancy? Small changes in the lining of the endometrium may be viewed if the embryo is indeed in the uterus. We will not see an embryo and possibly not a sac, but there can be endometrium changes that are visable.

2. If not, when can we tell by ultrasound if this is a tubal or uterine pregnancy? Should be able to tell the day of the US

3. If the pregnancy is not developing appropriately, and it is not a tubal pregnancy, then what is the harm in letting the body naturally miscarry?
No problem doing this if it makes me more comfortable

4. What are the risks and advantages to having the MTX injection? Biggest benefit is if there is a tubal pregnancy avoids a potentially life-threatening situation

5. Do you have a copy of the informed consent that you can send to me to view ahead of time? Sent to me via email

6. Matthew indicated that according to Dr. Galen the count needed to be 350 or greater on Wednesday. What if it is something like 317? Do we still give up? The likelihood of failed pregnancy is great if numbers are not doubled at this time, however, given that it is uterine, I can carry it until it naturally miscarries.

I do not want to take the MTX unless absolutely necessary. To me absolutely necessary means that my life is in imminent danger, not a 5-6% risk of danger from a tubal pregnancy that may or may not exist. The choice is always mine, this is just what he recommends

Women not receiving IVF get one positive pregnancy test, are told to take their vitamins, and not seen for another month by their OB/GYN. I am not sure what the rush is with an IVF cycle. There are higher instances of tubal pregnancies with tubal reversals and IVF, both of which I have.

I know I am being difficult, nurses are the worst patients, and I need all the information to make a good decision. We all know this is true!

Thanks,

Theresa

4th beta?

Today we are 171. Still failing to double. The MD is going to do one final HCG on Wednesday. If HCG fails to increase significantly then wemost likely have a tubal pregnancy or non-viable fetus. If that is the case the pregnancy will have to be aborted. I am so sad, but praying for a miracle.

Theresa

3rd beta today

I am on my way to the MD office for my 3rd beta. Come on little one
let's see some doubling action from you!

I just keep reminding myself how blessed I already am, and pray for
the best. I feel quite peaceful this morning, I hope that is a good sign.

I have appreciated all the kind words of support over the last few
weeks. Thanks to all of you for being here!

Wish me luck,

Theresa

HCG Calculator

Here is a link that I was directed to by one of the members of my Mothers Via Egg Donation yahoo group.

http://babymed.com/tools/pregnancy/hcg/

I was 60 at 14 DPO and 95 2 days later

I did my numbers and although the comments said slower than expected growth with 95, it said adequate with 96. We are not that far off the mark, and I am really feeling positive this time. I feel pregnant, last night I was even in the bathroom having dry heaves. I am tired, have heartburn, and I am short of breath. I am listening to my body, it is saying you are pregnant girl!

And besides, what control do I have over it anyway? It is what it is and I can't change it. We have never gotten this far before and even if it does not work out, I have to keep reminding myself that we are truly blessed!

HUGS!

Theresa

beta did not double

As you may remember on Wednesday I was 60, today I am 95. So....we get to wait some more! We are re-testing on Monday, to see how the numbers look then. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride!

We may just be slow to attach, or we may be having early signs of possible miscarriage.

PLEASE PLEASE keep the prayers and good thoughts coming.


I will keep you all posted.

Theresa

The Story (this is long)

I am sorry I did not write this yesterday, but I was so exhausted last night I went to bed early.

Yesterday morning when I woke up there was a pit in my stomach. I knew what was ahead of me and I dreaded it, but there was some comfort in knowing that the wait would soon be over. It was thankfully a rather warm morning considering the early hour, and I was pleased that at least I was not chilly as I hoped started the min-van and opened the garage door.

The RE office is about a 30 minute trip from our home if the traffic is light. Thank goodness at 6:15 am that was indeed the case. I quickly calculated the time change, in GA it would be just after 9:00 am and my sister would be at work. I called her cell and got her message. I had hoped she would be available, but I knew she probably had clients to see. Thankfully, she called back moments later and chatted casually about the Super Tuesday results to keep me distracted. She was only partially successful. I would keep interjecting comments like, "I am scared." No, I was not as scared of the thought of having John McCain as the Republican nominee in the fall as I was of the blood test results that I would discover in a few hours.

I arrived at the clinic right at 7:00 am and checked in. I solemnly marched to the lab. Because of the early hour, I was the first patient. The young guy who took my blood was very pleasant, but the big picture of the fertilized eggs on the wall behind him was rather distracting. He had to stick me twice, but I did not even care. I just wanted to get on my way to work.

This was not my usual way to work. I had to go through the Caldecott Tunnel from San Ramon to Oakland and there is always a wait to go through. As I waited the most magical thing happened, a huge rainbow appeared in the sky over the road. I knew right then no matter what the results were, I was going to be ok. God has a plan for me.

I was met at work with problems as soon as I entered the door. The next 3 hour flew by, and when my pager went off at 10:00am I was so shocked. I said aloud to my office mates, this is it as I grabbed my cell with my shaking hands. I made my way to the break room to return the page. My hands were shaking so badly that I could not dial the phone, I could barely focus as I looked several times back and forth from my shaking pager to my shaking phone trying to make the call. Thankfully, the phone rang and I heard the voice of my RE on the other end of the line.

He said I paged you a few minutes ago, but had not heard back so I called the cell phone. I explained that I was holding the phone, but I was shaking so badly I could not complete the call. He said I am here with Susan and we have some good news for you, I am going to put you on speaker phone. I started saying, oh my God really. I heard the speaker phone engage and I was greeted by Susan as well. He had me tell her what I had just told him about trying to make the call. I knew by her joyful laugh that they indeed had good news.

He wet on to say the beta was 60, which was a good number for a first reading, and that I would need another test in a couple of days to make sure it was doubling appropriately. I was shaking and crying, I am not sure what exactly I said, but I think I professed my love for them at the conclusion of the call.

As soon as I rounded the corner to my office I gave the 2 thumbs up and the celebration started. Hugs, and cheers, and joyful calls began. We made so much noise that a nurse from the nearby pain clinic came over to see if we were ok!

What a wonderful and miraculous day! Thanks to all for hanging in there with me through all this. Your encouragement and support has carried me though. HUGS to all!

Theresa

Beta is 60

As of now, we are pregnant!

Woo-hoo!

Do not even ask me my opinion of home pregnancy tests!

Theresa

Beta is today!

I called my nurse case manager yesterday, whom I really like, and asked her about the process today. She said they would draw the blood this morning and run the specimens sometime before noon.

She said after that she would let me decide how to handle the communication process. I will be at work and i would just assume not fall apart at my desk.

I am sending her the following e-mail. This is the plan I figured out with my office mates. I figure for the morning staying busy at work is my best bet!

Susan,

Thanks for taking the time to call me back so late yesterday. I am very realistic but hopeful about the results today. Please know if I am less than gracious or short when you call it is just in a posture of self-preservation, I appreciate everything you have done for both Dawn and me!

Here are the directions.

1) Page me when you have the results at

2) I will go to lunch so I have an hour to adjust to whatever the news is.

3) I will then decide whether to return to work or declare a mental health day considering my state of being.

Thanks again for everything!

Theresa

PS- Dawn says hello! She wants to know if you miss her too!

Prayers and good thoughts no matter the outcome are always appreciated!

One day until beta

Nothing new to report. HPT is unchanged.

I can feel this weighing on me. I have been on the verge of tears since last night.

I am glad we will know one way or the other tomorrow.

Theresa

Emotional

No very faint line, nothing except the single dark control line. We keep trying to focus on the positive, but I have to admit I am a little sad. Husband is great,, I am so lucky to have him, all I hear is, "I love you so much!" He is under a lot of stress at work and yet somehow he remains so supportive. I on the other hand and the emotional one. He is ready to throw the HPTs out the door and wait for the beta.

Two more days until the beta. Will stay positive but realistic. I find it helpful to think of all options. Part of me says now you can go to grad school. The other part of me says, give it one more try. This was our first donor egg cycle. What if we went to the best clinic in the country and had a previous donor who produced tons of egg that fertilized on her previous cycles? Would that make a difference or are we just wasting our money?

So many unanswered questions.

Thanks to my sister for being on the phone with me for many hours this weekend, I am so lucky to have you. You are always there when I need you the most!

Theresa

Monday HPT? Your guessed it!

Not yet positive. :(

We are holding out hope until the blood test on Wednesday.

Sigh....

Sunday HPT

Not yet positive. :(

Will try again tomorrow!

HUGS!

Nothing brewing yet!

Saturday's HPT (home pregnancy test) is not yet positive.

Will keep you posted of any changes.

It is still early and we are not giving up hope until after the beta (blood pregnancy test) on Wednesday!

Today is 10 DPO (days past ovulation)

Keep up the good thoughts and prayers, everyone of you and them is appreciated!

Theresa

Sex Ed and the 7th grader

My daughter has had sex education at school every year since the 5th grade. This week I had to sign the permission slip allowing her to attend.

Although she understands most of what is going on with us, but prefers not to discuss it.....with anyone...ever. So imagine what fun she had completing 3 workbook pages with me this evening. She said you know this stuff you can help me, but then would grunt and say do not say the words unless I do not know them. Something about your Mom saying testes makes most 12 year olds want to cringe. When I asked her what was the other word that boys use to refer to their testes she was in a fit of giggles when she answered "balls" I guess hoping she would say testicles was too much to ask!

Progesterone Injections

For those of you who have never been through IVF or egg donations, one of the highlights of the entire experience is when your Dear Husband (DH) gets to give you progesterone injections in your booty. The only nice part of this is the recommendation that the site be rubbed for 10 minutes after the injection so the oil does not leave lumps in the muscle and heat should be applied to aid absorption. This my DH has done quite faithfully, however he does time it for exactly 10 minutes.

I am a nurse and my DH is a software engineer so you can imagine how happy we were to step into this new phase of the fertility journey.

For those of you who know my DH this also has significantly high humor value. He is very technical and likes specific directions and wants to know what to expect. He does not do well when the unexpected happens. Here are just a few of the situations in which he has found himself over the last few days.

One night he removed the needle and immediately poked himself in the finger. He gave my shot with blood dripping from his own finger.

One night a trickle of blood came from the injection site, he stopped the flow of blood with his finger, not the same night that he had the bloody finger.

One night the progesterone and oil erupted from the injection site like a geyser, he damned that leak with his finger as well.

One night the injection left a nasty bruise, which he thought was his fault because he did not rub it for the full 10 minutes and apply the heat as recommended.

I have to say, he has done much better than I could have hoped, but my hips are getting a bit sore now. I have actually flinched to hard that I thought for sure that the needle must have been pulled out.

If we are pregnant the injections continue for a total of about 12 weeks, if not they weill stop after the beta HCG (blood pregnancy test). Wish us luck as we continue our journey!

Bottoms up!